time = time(); $this->startSession(); } /** * startSession - Performs all the actions necessary to * initialize this session object. Tries to determine if the * the user has logged in already, and sets the variables * accordingly. Also takes advantage of this page load to * update the active visitors tables. */ function startSession(){ global $database; //The database connection session_start(); //Tell PHP to start the session /* Determine if user is logged in */ $this->logged_in = $this->checkLogin(); /** * Set guest value to users not logged in, and update * active guests table accordingly. */ if(!$this->logged_in){ $this->username = $_SESSION['username'] = GUEST_NAME; $this->userlevel = GUEST_LEVEL; $database->addActiveGuest($_SERVER['REMOTE_ADDR'], $this->time); } /* Update users last active timestamp */ else{ $database->addActiveUser($this->username, $this->time); } /* Remove inactive visitors from database */ $database->removeInactiveUsers(); $database->removeInactiveGuests(); /* Set referrer page */ if(isset($_SESSION['url'])){ $this->referrer = $_SESSION['url']; }else{ $this->referrer = "/"; } /* Set current url */ $this->url = $_SESSION['url'] = $_SERVER['PHP_SELF']; } /** * checkLogin - Checks if the user has already previously * logged in, and a session with the user has already been * established. Also checks to see if user has been remembered. * If so, the database is queried to make sure of the user's * authenticity. Returns true if the user has logged in. */ function checkLogin(){ global $database; //The database connection /* Check if user has been remembered */ if(isset($_COOKIE['cookname']) && isset($_COOKIE['cookid'])){ $this->username = $_SESSION['username'] = $_COOKIE['cookname']; $this->userid = $_SESSION['userid'] = $_COOKIE['cookid']; } /* Username and userid have been set and not guest */ if(isset($_SESSION['username']) && isset($_SESSION['userid']) && $_SESSION['username'] != GUEST_NAME){ /* Confirm that username and userid are valid */ if($database->confirmUserID($_SESSION['username'], $_SESSION['userid']) != 0){ /* Variables are incorrect, user not logged in */ unset($_SESSION['username']); unset($_SESSION['userid']); return false; } /* User is logged in, set class variables */ $this->userinfo = $database->getUserInfo($_SESSION['username']); $this->username = $this->userinfo['username']; $this->userid = $this->userinfo['userid']; $this->userlevel = $this->userinfo['userlevel']; return true; } /* User not logged in */ else{ return false; } } /** * login - The user has submitted his username and password * through the login form, this function checks the authenticity * of that information in the database and creates the session. * Effectively logging in the user if all goes well. */ function login($subuser, $subpass, $subremember){ global $database, $form; //The database and form object /* Username error checking */ $field = "user"; //Use field name for username if(!$subuser || strlen($subuser = trim($subuser)) == 0){ $form->setError($field, "* Username not entered"); } else{ /* Check if username is not alphanumeric */ if(!eregi("^([0-9a-z])*$", $subuser)){ $form->setError($field, "* only letters and numbers allowed and no spaces"); } } /* Password error checking */ $field = "pass"; //Use field name for password if(!$subpass){ $form->setError($field, "* Password not entered"); } /* Return if form errors exist */ if($form->num_errors > 0){ return false; } /* Checks that username is in database and password is correct */ $subuser = stripslashes($subuser); $result = $database->confirmUserPass($subuser, md5($subpass)); /* Check error codes */ if($result == 1){ $field = "user"; $form->setError($field, "* Username not found"); } else if($result == 2){ $field = "pass"; $form->setError($field, "* Invalid password"); } /* Return if form errors exist */ if($form->num_errors > 0){ return false; } /* Username and password correct, register session variables */ $this->userinfo = $database->getUserInfo($subuser); $this->username = $_SESSION['username'] = $this->userinfo['username']; $this->userid = $_SESSION['userid'] = $this->generateRandID(); $this->userlevel = $this->userinfo['userlevel']; /* Insert userid into database and update active users table */ $database->updateUserField($this->username, "userid", $this->userid); $database->addActiveUser($this->username, $this->time); $database->removeActiveGuest($_SERVER['REMOTE_ADDR']); /** * This is the cool part: the user has requested that we remember that * he's logged in, so we set two cookies. One to hold his username, * and one to hold his random value userid. It expires by the time * specified in constants.php. Now, next time he comes to our site, we will * log him in automatically, but only if he didn't log out before he left. */ if($subremember){ setcookie("cookname", $this->username, time()+COOKIE_EXPIRE, COOKIE_PATH); setcookie("cookid", $this->userid, time()+COOKIE_EXPIRE, COOKIE_PATH); } /* Login completed successfully */ return true; } /** * logout - Gets called when the user wants to be logged out of the * website. It deletes any cookies that were stored on the users * computer as a result of him wanting to be remembered, and also * unsets session variables and demotes his user level to guest. */ function logout(){ global $database; //The database connection /** * Delete cookies - the time must be in the past, * so just negate what you added when creating the * cookie. */ if(isset($_COOKIE['cookname']) && isset($_COOKIE['cookid'])){ setcookie("cookname", "", time()-COOKIE_EXPIRE, COOKIE_PATH); setcookie("cookid", "", time()-COOKIE_EXPIRE, COOKIE_PATH); } /* Unset PHP session variables */ unset($_SESSION['username']); unset($_SESSION['userid']); /* Reflect fact that user has logged out */ $this->logged_in = false; /** * Remove from active users table and add to * active guests tables. */ $database->removeActiveUser($this->username); $database->addActiveGuest($_SERVER['REMOTE_ADDR'], $this->time); /* Set user level to guest */ $this->username = GUEST_NAME; $this->userlevel = GUEST_LEVEL; } /** * register - Gets called when the user has just submitted the * registration form. Determines if there were any errors with * the entry fields, if so, it records the errors and returns * 1. If no errors were found, it registers the new user and * returns 0. Returns 2 if registration failed. */ function register($subuser, $subpass, $subemail){ global $database, $form, $mailer; //The database, form and mailer object /* Username error checking */ $field = "user"; //Use field name for username if(!$subuser || strlen($subuser = trim($subuser)) == 0){ $form->setError($field, "* Username not entered"); } else{ /* Spruce up username, check length */ $subuser = stripslashes($subuser); if(strlen($subuser) < 5){ $form->setError($field, "* Username below 5 characters"); } else if(strlen($subuser) > 30){ $form->setError($field, "* Username above 30 characters"); } /* Check if username is not alphanumeric */ else if(!eregi("^([0-9a-z])+$", $subuser)){ $form->setError($field, "* * only letters and numbers allowed and no spaces"); } /* Check if username is reserved */ else if(strcasecmp($subuser, GUEST_NAME) == 0){ $form->setError($field, "* Username reserved word"); } /* Check if username is already in use */ else if($database->usernameTaken($subuser)){ $form->setError($field, "* Username already in use"); } /* Check if username is banned */ else if($database->usernameBanned($subuser)){ $form->setError($field, "* Username banned"); } } /* Password error checking */ $field = "pass"; //Use field name for password if(!$subpass){ $form->setError($field, "* Password not entered"); } else{ /* Spruce up password and check length*/ $subpass = stripslashes($subpass); if(strlen($subpass) < 4){ $form->setError($field, "* Password too short"); } /* Check if password is not alphanumeric */ else if(!eregi("^([0-9a-z])+$", ($subpass = trim($subpass)))){ $form->setError($field, "* * only letters and numbers allowed and no spaces"); } /** * Note: I trimmed the password only after I checked the length * because if you fill the password field up with spaces * it looks like a lot more characters than 4, so it looks * kind of stupid to report "password too short". */ } /* Email error checking */ $field = "email"; //Use field name for email if(!$subemail || strlen($subemail = trim($subemail)) == 0){ $form->setError($field, "* Email not entered"); } else{ /* Check if valid email address */ $regex = "^[_+a-z0-9-]+(\.[_+a-z0-9-]+)*" ."@[a-z0-9-]+(\.[a-z0-9-]{1,})*" ."\.([a-z]{2,}){1}$"; if(!eregi($regex,$subemail)){ $form->setError($field, "* Email invalid"); } $subemail = stripslashes($subemail); } /* Errors exist, have user correct them */ if($form->num_errors > 0){ return 1; //Errors with form } /* No errors, add the new account to the */ else{ if($database->addNewUser($subuser, md5($subpass), $subemail)){ if(EMAIL_WELCOME){ $mailer->sendWelcome($subuser,$subemail,$subpass); } return 0; //New user added succesfully }else{ return 2; //Registration attempt failed } } } /** * editAccount - Attempts to edit the user's account information * including the password, which it first makes sure is correct * if entered, if so and the new password is in the right * format, the change is made. All other fields are changed * automatically. */ function editAccount($subcurpass, $subnewpass, $subemail){ global $database, $form; //The database and form object /* New password entered */ if($subnewpass){ /* Current Password error checking */ $field = "curpass"; //Use field name for current password if(!$subcurpass){ $form->setError($field, "* Current Password not entered"); } else{ /* Check if password too short or is not alphanumeric */ $subcurpass = stripslashes($subcurpass); if(strlen($subcurpass) < 4 || !eregi("^([0-9a-z])+$", ($subcurpass = trim($subcurpass)))){ $form->setError($field, "* Current Password incorrect"); } /* Password entered is incorrect */ if($database->confirmUserPass($this->username,md5($subcurpass)) != 0){ $form->setError($field, "* Current Password incorrect"); } } /* New Password error checking */ $field = "newpass"; //Use field name for new password /* Spruce up password and check length*/ $subpass = stripslashes($subnewpass); if(strlen($subnewpass) < 4){ $form->setError($field, "* New Password too short"); } /* Check if password is not alphanumeric */ else if(!eregi("^([0-9a-z])+$", ($subnewpass = trim($subnewpass)))){ $form->setError($field, "* New Password not alphanumeric"); } } /* Change password attempted */ else if($subcurpass){ /* New Password error reporting */ $field = "newpass"; //Use field name for new password $form->setError($field, "* New Password not entered"); } /* Email error checking */ $field = "email"; //Use field name for email if($subemail && strlen($subemail = trim($subemail)) > 0){ /* Check if valid email address */ $regex = "^[_+a-z0-9-]+(\.[_+a-z0-9-]+)*" ."@[a-z0-9-]+(\.[a-z0-9-]{1,})*" ."\.([a-z]{2,}){1}$"; if(!eregi($regex,$subemail)){ $form->setError($field, "* Email invalid"); } $subemail = stripslashes($subemail); } /* Errors exist, have user correct them */ if($form->num_errors > 0){ return false; //Errors with form } /* Update password since there were no errors */ if($subcurpass && $subnewpass){ $database->updateUserField($this->username,"password",md5($subnewpass)); } /* Change Email */ if($subemail){ $database->updateUserField($this->username,"email",$subemail); } /* Success! */ return true; } /** * isAdmin - Returns true if currently logged in user is * an administrator, false otherwise. */ function isAdmin(){ return ($this->userlevel == ADMIN_LEVEL || $this->username == ADMIN_NAME); } /** * generateRandID - Generates a string made up of randomized * letters (lower and upper case) and digits and returns * the md5 hash of it to be used as a userid. */ function generateRandID(){ return md5($this->generateRandStr(16)); } /** * generateRandStr - Generates a string made up of randomized * letters (lower and upper case) and digits, the length * is a specified parameter. */ function generateRandStr($length){ $randstr = ""; for($i=0; $i<$length; $i++){ $randnum = mt_rand(0,61); if($randnum < 10){ $randstr .= chr($randnum+48); }else if($randnum < 36){ $randstr .= chr($randnum+55); }else{ $randstr .= chr($randnum+61); } } return $randstr; } }; /** * Initialize session object - This must be initialized before * the form object because the form uses session variables, * which cannot be accessed unless the session has started. */ $session = new Session; /* Initialize form object */ $form = new Form; ?> Ricky Gervais... Obviously. " ."" .""; $forminput = "" ."" ."" . ""; if($session->logged_in){ $toptagline ="" ."" .""; $forminput = ""; } else{ /** * User not logged in, display the login form. * If user has already tried to login, but errors were * found, display the total number of errors. * If errors occurred, they will be displayed. */ if($form->num_errors > 0){ $errorline = ""; } } $membersline = "There are ".$database->getNumMembers()." members signed up to Ricky Gervais.Com - ". $database->num_active_users ." are signed in now and there are " . $database->num_active_guests. " people just visiting"; ?>

Do you have any of the following?
a) A Dualit toaster
b) A gym membership
c) A cleaner

I've got a normal toaster, a crome one, nothing fancy. I don't go to the gym any more but l have done in the past. The first time I ever went, I had a couple of eggs on toast, went, worked out for five minutes then went to the toilet and vomitted. I do go running sometimes and yes I have got a cleaner now.
3/5 for having a cleaner and throwing up at the gym, which we like.

Can you name
a) the woman who played the wicked witch in The Wizard of 0z
b) any of the members of Busted
c) Pepsi and Shirley's real names
Not a clue about the witch, I watched it when I was a kid and thought it was mental. I know the funny little faced one from Busted who didn't get in for his looks and Charlie's the big one isn't he? Pepsi and Shirley are from Wham! and Shirley's married to Martin Kemp. I thought they were their real names.
3/5 for knowing Charlie and that Shirley is married to Martin Kemp.

What would we find in your fridge?
a) Fish Fingers and a pack of Dairylea
b) Marks and Spencers Ready meals and Cabernet Sauvignon
c) Champagne, poppers and pants

Well I love fish fingers so you'd find them, but not Dairylea. You wouldn't have Cabernet Sauvignon in the fridge because it's a red wine! You ignorant gay. There's no pants but I have actually got a botlle of champagne in the fridge - and beat this - it's from George Michael! He gave me it after I supposedly called him a bender at an awards ceremony if you believe what you read in the press. It was actually part of a joke that I ran by him first that he loved. Afterwards he bought me the champagne and asked us out for dinner with him and Kenny. How good is that? I must have earnt some points there!

Have you ever, just for a minute, thought about having sex with a man? (Or are you homophobic?)
(Howls) Have I thought about it for a minute or have I thought about doing it for just one minute? No, I haven't. Not yet.

Have you ever, just for a minute, wanted to have a fanny? (Or are you homophobic?)
(Laughs, claps hands) No, I've never honestly wanted a fanny. With this you can aim, it's the perfect accessory. I have never wanted to have sex with a man or wanted a vagina - I must be homophobic. Have I lost all my George Michael champagne points now?
5/5 No, because of course being gay isn't the same as being transgender for those canny readers, ready to be outraged and emeil the letters page.

How do you refer to homosexuals? (You breeder)
Gay. Is that boring and old hat now? Oueer has been reclaimed hasn't it? I would never say 'homosexual' - it sounds like something clinical from the sixties. 'He's caught homosexual'. I wouldn't use a derogatory term or euphemism unless it was ironic. I had to do a glossary of words once for the US Office DVD and I had to explain the word 'bender'. I was at this serious meeting and I was like 'Bender is a derogatory term for gay man. It's derived... probably because gay men bend over'. And then a gay guy there said 'No, actually it's from the eighties 'gender bender'. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.
1/5 Aww bless!

Have you ever invited strangers into your house to look at your Golden Globes?
(Laughs) Is it gay to show off or is that just a bad euphemism for bollocks? I've never invited strangers to look at my Golden Globes or my bollocks, infact. And let's not forget the Bafta's thankyou. I'm worried the shelf will collapse and kill the cat. That's from the weight of the awards, not the bollocks.
0/5 For not showing off testicles.

Should Charlotte Church be Prime Minister?
Why - is she a gay icon? What about the old ones - Joan Collins and all that lot? I get all my information from Graham Norton. And why was it that the drag queens chased the police down the street... for the uniform? Charlotte Church, no I havent really followed her career, I must admit. Is she still singing?

If you knew the H-bomb was going to drop, would you go
a) to church and say a prayer
b) home, have a fag and a big hug with your mates and family
c) clubbing

Have a fag definitely and go home. Can you see me in a club? I'm in my pyjamas by 10 o'clock with a cup of cocoa. I know about Trade opening at three in the morning or something. Makes my eyes waler just thinking about it.
2/5 for knowing about Trade. Obviously, he's been.

Your main ambition in life is to
a) find a healthy balance between the personal and professional
b) spread wisdom and love across the world
c) be as funny as Lily Savage

(Laughs manically) I love it! I like Lily Savage, but I think Paul O'Grady is funnier. I could listen to him all night. I think he's genius. So any of the three answers will do. C would be good if we can change it to Paul O'Grady.

Complete the following ancient gay proverb:-
I wanna kiss you in ParisI I wanna hold your hand in Rome

Haven't got a fucking clue. Is it a Donna Summer song? (It's Justily My Love by Madonna). I was close. I don't like that one, I liked Live to Tell and Into The Groove and some of the newer stuff from the last few years.

'Politics' and 'The Office Christmas Specials' are out on OVO this month

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