Do you have any of the following?
a) A Dualit toaster
b) A gym membership
c) A cleaner
I've got a normal toaster, a crome one, nothing fancy. I don't go to the gym any more but l have done in the past. The first time I ever went, I had a couple of eggs on toast, went, worked out for five minutes then went to the toilet and vomitted. I do go running sometimes and yes I have got a cleaner now.
3/5 for having a cleaner and throwing up at the gym, which we like.
Can you name
a) the woman who played the wicked witch in The Wizard of 0z
b) any of the members of Busted
c) Pepsi and Shirley's real names
Not a clue about the witch, I watched it when I was a kid and thought it was
mental. I know the funny little faced one from Busted who didn't get in for his looks and Charlie's the big one isn't he? Pepsi and Shirley are from Wham! and Shirley's married to Martin Kemp. I thought they were their real names.
3/5 for knowing Charlie and that Shirley is married to Martin Kemp.
What would we find in your fridge?
a) Fish Fingers and a pack of Dairylea
b) Marks and Spencers Ready meals and Cabernet Sauvignon
c) Champagne, poppers and pants
Well I love fish fingers so you'd find them, but not Dairylea. You wouldn't have Cabernet Sauvignon in the fridge because it's a red wine! You ignorant gay. There's no pants but I have actually got a botlle of champagne in the fridge
- and beat this - it's from George Michael! He gave me it after I supposedly called him a bender at an awards ceremony if you believe what you read in
the press. It was actually part of a joke that I ran by him first that he loved. Afterwards he bought me the champagne and asked us out for dinner with him and Kenny. How good is that? I must have earnt some points there!
Have you ever, just for a minute, thought about having sex with
a man? (Or are you homophobic?)
(Howls) Have I thought about it for a minute or have I thought about doing it
for just one minute? No, I haven't. Not yet.
Have you ever, just for a minute, wanted to have a fanny?
(Or are you homophobic?)
(Laughs, claps hands) No, I've never honestly wanted a fanny. With this you
can aim, it's the perfect accessory. I have never wanted to have sex with a man or wanted a vagina - I must be homophobic. Have I lost all my George Michael champagne points now?
5/5 No, because of course being gay isn't the same as being transgender for those canny readers, ready to be outraged and emeil the letters page.
How do you refer to homosexuals? (You breeder)
Gay. Is that boring and old hat now? Oueer has been reclaimed hasn't it?
I would never say 'homosexual' - it sounds like something clinical from the sixties. 'He's caught homosexual'. I wouldn't use a derogatory term or euphemism unless it was ironic. I had to do a glossary of words once for the US Office DVD and I had to explain the word 'bender'. I was at this serious meeting and I was like 'Bender is a derogatory term for gay man. It's derived... probably because gay men bend over'. And then a gay guy there said 'No, actually it's from the eighties 'gender bender'. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.
1/5 Aww bless!
Have you ever invited strangers into your house to look at your
(Laughs) Is it gay to show off or is that just a bad euphemism for bollocks? I've never invited strangers to look at my Golden Globes or my bollocks, infact.
And let's not forget the Bafta's thankyou. I'm worried the shelf will collapse and kill the cat. That's from the weight of the awards, not the bollocks.
0/5 For not showing off testicles.
Should Charlotte Church be Prime Minister?
Why - is she a gay icon? What about the old ones - Joan Collins and all that lot? I get all my information from Graham Norton. And why was it that the drag queens chased the police down the street... for the uniform? Charlotte Church, no I havent really followed her career, I must admit. Is she still singing?
If you knew the H-bomb was going to drop, would you go
a) to church and say a prayer
b) home, have a fag and a big hug with your mates and family
Have a fag definitely and go home. Can you see me in a club? I'm in my pyjamas by 10 o'clock with a cup of cocoa. I know about Trade opening at three in the morning or something. Makes my eyes waler just thinking about it.
2/5 for knowing about Trade. Obviously, he's been.
Your main ambition in life is to
a) find a healthy balance between the personal and professional
b) spread wisdom and love across the world
c) be as funny as Lily Savage
(Laughs manically) I love it! I like Lily Savage, but I think Paul O'Grady is funnier. I could listen to him all night. I think he's genius. So any of the three answers will do. C would be good if we can change it to Paul O'Grady.
Complete the following ancient gay proverb:-
I wanna kiss you in ParisI I wanna hold your hand in Rome
Haven't got a fucking clue. Is it a Donna Summer song? (It's Justily My Love by Madonna). I was close. I don't like that one, I liked Live to Tell and Into The Groove and some of the newer stuff from the last few years.
'Politics' and 'The Office Christmas Specials' are out on OVO this month
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